My state of mind…

I’m sick of trying…
I’m sick of a lot of things…

Still no word (for certain) on the job front, things have been tapdancing around for the last couple of months with a whole fucking ton of near misses.  Now things are about down to the fucking wire.

I am utterly fucking petrified of winding up on the street…

This upcoming holiday period is not going to make things any easier.  Too much time to think, not enough things to keep my mind occupied.  To say that I feel like I am slowly going crazy would not be an understatement.

I am so sick of everything.  Everything I do these days feels like I am subconsciously going through a catalog of my own failures.  It’s like everything that I could have conceivably fucked up is now biting me in the ass. 

The other thing is that I feel like my luck (what an old friend called the “guardian demon on my shoulder”) has left me.  It’s so hard to fucking think and to plan.  Plus there is the seperation/divorce that still needs to be taken care of.

For the first time in my entire life, I feel like I have lost my optimism.  I feel like I have totally lost my hope.  It’s so fucking stupid, but I feel like the only reason I am deciding to stay on this fucking mudball is to make sure that my cat stays taken care of.  Breathing is an effort…I have to remind myself to eat.  I’m smoking way too much, and I am not even feeling the effects. 

Numb, scared, shock, anger, almost paralising fear.  The only thing that has been keeping me going has been my writing and I feel like I am losing that thread, too.

I don’t know what to do.

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~ by maximkovalenko on May 25, 2006.

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