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My soon to be ex-wife finally leaves today.

I just hope that this is a sign that the long night is finally coming to an end.  Mentally, I’m still more than a little fucked up around the edges, but I am definitely better than I was at the beginning of this month.  To be honest with myself, I think half the reason why I have had such a hard time getting my job situation taken care of has been because of the whole hellish mess I have been dealing with here at home.    At very least I know that the last two interviews I did went better than all of the other ones combined.  At very least my mind is all the way back online which is a start.

Been smoking way, way, way too much again.  Before hell started I was down to around a 1/4 pack a day…now I am back up to 1 1/2 lighters a day again.  I really should focus on quitting them…but until a few things settle down, nicotines one of the few things making all of this even remotely manageable.

At any rate, the seperation paperwork should be filed on Monday.  I’ll be out of this place by Wednesday at the latest.  Key’s will be turned over to the rental office shortly thereafter.  Essentially I’m starting completely over again…a thought that does not fill me with warmth and joy.

I’m 32 years old, it’s time to get serious…and it’s time to decide what I want to get serious about.  I have plans in the works most definitely.  I’ve been fucking planning things out in my head for months.  Of course everything that I have been planning is contingent on gaining some sort of employment that will allow me to support myself. 

There are of course a bunch of other things that I need to think about as well…the problem is that I am still way too raw around the edges to even consider them right now.  At this stage in the game I am still barely capable of being sociable. Solitude, and the ability to turn myself into a complete hermit is what I need most of all right now.  Time to consider, and time to reflect.  Unfortunately though, I won’t have the ability to do that until I am back under my own single roof again….except for the felines I cohabitate with.  Gettiing them acclimated to new living arrangements is something thatis more than likely fgonna be a stone cold bitch to deal with.  I’m worried about my eldest cat the most though.  I love her to death, but she is more conservative than Rush Limbaugh.  She not only fears change, she likes to kill it before it can spread.

The other thing I desperately need is a fucking roadtrip right now.  Just cruise down the fucking highway with the stars and the stereo playing.  Nobody else on the road for miles around.

No lights, no people…just silence that comes from an absence of civilization.

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~ by maximkovalenko on September 24, 2006.

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